Advice to Women
Part Two… Facts and Fantasies of Internet Dating
As promised, I am going to share Alice’s journey in regard to Internet dating. She was extremely kind to share her stories with me and gave me permission to share them with you. I want to thank Alice for her honesty and friendship. Here are her stories:
On-Line Dating After 50….An Experience!
I started on-line “dating” right before I was divorced. It had been about twenty years since I had been on a date and I was nervous. I worked long hours and found it very difficult to meet people and find someone I was attracted to. I will attempt to recall in some sort of order my experiences, good bad and hilarious.
My first experience I would hardly call on-line dating. I was very new to the computer and stayed on the MSN pages in the chat rooms and groups (that no longer exist). I had no social life due to my horrific marital situation and the concept of having people to chat with each night was an enjoyable experience. I can tell you those kind individuals took me under their wings and taught me all I know about operating a computer. I joined some groups and we had weekly chats and I had so much fun. It was mainly silliness, but that is what I needed at that time.
I do not remember actively seeking out dating sites; someone must have told me about them. The first one I joined was called LAVALIFE….it was kind of lame and hard to maneuver through, however they had a chat feature I liked. I never wrote people there but got a lot of email. My first contact however ended up being married… which I found out because his wife wrote to me! I still see him on the sites using the same photos…hilarious.
The first time I wrote anyone was a character with the nickname Karmacomedian….how could I resist? We became good friends and are still to this day. We did manage to have a sexual escapade or two, but ultimately I was not really attracted to him and so I ended the relationship.
However, he met someone willing to satisfy his particular urges (he was slightly twisted and had a real need towards bondage that I am not really fond of). We were chatting one night, and he wanted me to go look at his and his new lady love’s profile on a site called SWAPPERNET…I went to check it out and it would not let me see anything, unless I joined and then only for one day. Furthermore, it was almost midnight when I joined and went to look at the clock just as it struck 12 AM…so nothing! Therefore, I looked up the fees involved to join and paid them.
The very next day I got a note from a lovely, interesting and complex guy. We really had some great adventures! He was in a committed relationship with a woman half his age and wanted a partner for times when she was gallivanting with fellows her own age! We are still friends today. However, we are no longer lovers.
During this time, I met a sexy man my age (I am wracking my brain to remember which site, but it’s not coming to me). He pursued me in a very flattering way, and we met for lunch and were immediately attracted to one another. We flirted by e-mail and began chatting for a couple of weeks, and then he invited me to his home for the week-end. He treated me like a queen and showered me with fabulous food, wine and sex. I was smitten for sure.
He is the man who taught me about love-making. We attended a sensual massage weekend at a couple’s resort and had some swinging adventures that were quite educational and pleasurable. At this point, in my life, I had decided to say, “Yes” to things of that nature!
“The Hobbit Strikes Out!”
I am interested in writers and writing. A profile caught my eye of an older gentleman who had published a book of love stories. He seemed rather professional and kind. Furthermore, we began chatting and he shared his web page and information about himself and his book. I agreed to meet him for coffee at a local chain restaurant near my home and the interstate…( Where I could make a quick getaway if need be…ha-ha).
I try to be precisely on time for meeting people, and upon arrival, he was not there. I waited about fifteen minutes and was about to leave when he drove up in a ramshackle van and pours himself out amidst a flurry of loose papers and coffee cups. He is approximately 5’2” and is dressed in dirty blue-jeans and a wrinkled shirt. (I inwardly sigh, but I am willing to accept his untidy and haphazard appearance). He looks like a careless Hobbit and wasn’t especially professional.
We go in and I order coffee, and he says, “OH, I have not had dinner, and I am starved…I think I will order some food.”(Uh oh…now I am trapped). At the end of his dinner he says…”OH, I have forgotten my wallet…can you spot me some cash until later?” OH
CRAP…. Well, for $6.99, I told him no problem.
He has brought along a folder that contains ALL the material he has already shown me in regard to his book and included his lengthy profile and other facts, he previously shared with me. He rambles on and on about the book and keeps repeating all the same information. I listen politely, and he mentions that he is renovating a bus to go on the road promoting his book. Although I did not share this with him, I am interested in refurbishments and other things of that nature. I agree to follow him over to the bus to see it.
This bus is horrifying. It looks scary. As if a person who might enter it, will never to be seen again. There are stacks of papers everywhere…starting projects of possible restorations. It looks like a hoarder’s paradise! Finally, I said, “Well, I have to go.” He then starts to try and kiss me and put his grubby Hobbit hands all over me….I got out of that bus, and he kept following me. I turned around and said, “I am going now…don’t worry about the money.”
Later, he writes me many letters begging for another date and then asking me what he did wrong. I sure wished I had saved his letters. I wrote him back explaining the precise reasons I was EXTREMELY repelled by him!
“Ellie May and the Critters”
Once again, I found an interesting fellow online. He is a furniture builder…not simply chairs and tables, but true works of art…elegant, beautiful and skillfully crafted! I am interested in this because my father had once made lovely items out of wood, and this is a skill and an art that I had admired for a long time! We communicate and he seems intelligent, funny and nice.
He is also a musician, so I agree to meet him in a local pub where he, and a friend are performing that evening. I arrive and do not see him yet, so I go to the bar, get a seat on a stool near the stage and proceed to have a beer.
He and his friend take the stage. What a sight to behold! He is wearing very high-waisted pair of jeans, with suspenders, a Hawaiian shirt tucked in and a pink necktie…not to mention the navy blue and tan saddle-oxfords. The friend raised a sardonic eye-brow and flashed a sexy grin. They play a few tunes (banjo and fiddle stuff) and then came over to talk to me. I find the guy so boring, and I am not interested in him at all…but I am VERY infatuated with his friend, and they invite me to come to their house for more libations. It turns out…they are room-mates.
When we arrive, the house is brightly lit, and we enter the house through the basement, where he has his workshop and furniture business. He shows me some of his work…the very same pieces shown on his website. I am wondering if he has them in production, or if they are the only pieces he has finished.
When we go upstairs I am shocked at the odd furnishings and decor. In the kitchen, there are about two-hundred cans of espresso coffee (the yellow and red ones) stacked up everywhere. I remark about this and he only replies…I like coffee. HA
We decide to have a drink and I notice that the sliding glass door to the deck is open and that there is a bird feeder in the middle of the living room. I also remark about this and he replies, “Oh that is for the critters…I like them to come in here to eat.” EEEKKK!!! The roommate just smiles once again. His friend gets out his guitar and starts to play and asks me if I know any James Taylor songs (of course, I do: D) and we start to sing.
Nutcase, starts rummaging around in a cabinet and brings over a small wooden box and hands it to me and asks me to look inside. Inside is a nude photo of a woman. I say, “Okay,”…and then he asks me what I think of her. I say, “She looks nice.” He then begins to tell me all about his former lover and how wonderful she was and how he will NEVER find anyone like her again and on and on. Meanwhile, he started taking off his pants….LOL… I am serious!
I am starting to get frightened, and I stand up and announce that I am leaving. His roommate tells me he will walk me out, and he does! WHEWWWW.
The next day I get an apology note from the weirdo. I do not respond.
Over two or three years later I get an e-mail from the guy. He wants to know if I paid for his beer that night at the pub. It turns out that he did not pay for his own beer and they banned him from the place forever.
“And Then I Found Love”
Then I joined Adult Friend Finder. This was really an eye-opening experience! This is where I met my current lover. However, I still keep my profile open there…mainly to blog and feel like I am attractive to other men. I also maintain profiles on the tamer dating sites that are free: ‘Plenty of Fish’ and ‘OKCupid..’ I have made some good friends on those sites, but no real connections of a physical nature.
Those are my stories, and I’m sticking to them!
Alice Louise Whiteside
Please stay tuned next week to another special blog in regard to on-line dating.
Have you been searching for love the conventional way, scouring the coffee houses and bars in the hopes of discovering your soul mate? Alternatively, have taken the plunge into the world of on-line dating, wallowing through prospective admirers. Here are some rules and suggestions to follow, termed “netiquette”, as you venture into the exciting world of online dating. :
1. Your profile is the most important feature of Internet dating. It needs to be clever and innovative. If your profile is not great, then you could be losing out on many potential dates. Furthermore, you could be losing out on meeting that special person that we all long for. It’s worth looking at other profiles to get a feel for what they say but don’t feel that you need to emulate them, for you are after all, unique, and you want to come across that way. Make sure that your profile stands out by writing the things that the others don’t have. This way, you can give others a real insight into your personality. Don’t lie or embellish your profile, as you’ll soon get trapped by your words.
2. Keep your emotional baggage at bay when it comes to writing a profile that works and when messaging potential dates. Everyone has problems. It’s impossible not to have something left over from a previous relationship – lack of confidence, financial concerns, a broken heart. Avoid putting your miseries on display for the whole world to see and to discuss. Keep your troubles hidden until you meet someone with whom you feel comfortable enough to share your feelings.
3. When you post a photo online, please remember that it’s supposed to represent you, so however tempting it is to post a photo of Jennifer Lopez or Brad Pitt, your date does need to know what you look like. Otherwise they are never going to find you when you meet.
4. True love needs interaction, and it’s also far from being skin deep. Respond when you get a message even if you don’t really desire the other person. There is no point in being impudent or cold. This person has real feelings. It’s fine to say, “no thanks” if you honestly feel that you are not suited on any level. At the opposite end of the scale, don’t play hard to get. If you like someone and they like you, be yourself, have fun, enjoy the interaction and don’t play games.
5. One of the almost guaranteed topics that will crop up repeatedly is the subject of sex. This might not come as much of a shock. Remember that you can interact with a fun chat if that’s what you want but make sure it’s reciprocated. Attempting to solicit sex, virtual or otherwise, too quickly may frighten off an otherwise potential mate.
6. When writing to your future date, there is no need to write essays. Capitalize on brevity and make the most of a short message by making every word count. Save the life story as a topic of interest for when you first meet.
7. An important safety tip is to remember that until you meet in a safe place, you are relying upon the word of the individual to reflect whom they truly are. Don’t think that everyone out there in Internet land is a wonderful enchanted being who is going to come and mesmerize you with their charm and whisk you off to fantasy land. Beware of those who promise you Xanadu. Fantasy is a wonderful, erotic tool, but until you are comfortable and have met your mate keep a foot planted firmly on the ground of the real world. On-line Internet dating offers a lot of potential but there is no magic wand. Be cautious not to give out too much information before establishing a bond.
Relationships are hard work, and you’ll have to take the good with the bad, but if you follow these commandments, you’ll enjoy the whole dating experience. In my next blog, you will experience the perspective of my friend Alice, who is familiar with on-line dating. Her stories are hilarious so stay tuned.
At this time, in the United States sex is whispered about, snickered about by teens, and considered “dirty” in most places. In the U.S., seeing a woman’s breast on TV is said to be filth. R-Rated movies, is something children should never be allowed to see. In Europe and Australia, there is a more grown-up approach. They are not “shocked” or “appalled.” In fact, the majority of adults probably wouldn’t even notice. The most humorous comedy skits and engaging advertising on European Television would be considered embarrassing, far too suggestive, and absolutely inappropriate for general audiences in America. Sex is a healthy and natural act overseas. Sexuality is open, explored and enjoyed. It’s not a dirty deed to be saved for the marriage bed, a filthy F-word, or something to sneak around and do only to be ashamed of later. Americans protect their friends, children, and co-workers from having an illicit sexual encounter. Europeans are open, relaxed about it and even relish the thought. Furthermore, can you in America talk to a neighbor about sex? Europeans can discuss it as easily as discussing the weather or brushing their teeth. Sex is an act that everybody does. Nobody is disgusted by, and is a healthy behavior. When Janet Jackson’s boob fell out of her dress on National Television, Americans talked about it for weeks. Europeans went on about their daily lives unaffected. It happens, what’s the big deal? Until Americans grow up and accept sex as a natural, wonderful, sharing act…as long as they forbid it, whisper about it like a bunch of teenagers, and find the whole topic “unmentionable” Europeans will always be far ahead of the Americans in maturity and sexual satisfaction.
One of the major components in relationships today is trust. With the Internet and online dating services contributing to the matchmaking of today’s busy individuals, how do we know that the person we meet is trustworthy? We don’t.
Trust is earned over time and not just granted because they claim to be who they are. Trust is ultimately the basis in which all relationships are built, and if it’s ever broken, then that relationship can be torn to shreds and can never be revived.
At some point, I do believe all of us can see how this is the case. Having the trust broken by even a friend makes you question everything that friend does from that point forward. How can trust ultimately be reclaimed? Even if it’s something small, that nagging little voice in the back of your head will continue to send you those negative messages. Furthermore, you will find yourself defensive and overly suspicious leading to the end of the relationship and/or marriage.
Here are a few ways that might help overcome that downward spiral:
- Forgive or be forgiven. It’s no longer an option to use a prior indiscretion and throw it into a future quarrel.
- Find ways to move beyond the past. This can do nothing but add fuel to the fire. Always give love, but don’t obsess over it.
- In the event, you are the one who’s wrong, try to change. Learn from your mistakes and prove to your spouse or significant other that there aren’t any more secrets, lies or other equally devastating problems.
- Set goals for your relationship. This means talk about your future and set the same goals making sure you both adhere to them.
- Renew your vows and commitments. Occasionally, we all forget what those vows meant to us, so repeating them in front of witnesses can sometimes make them more important in our minds.
- Try to communicate. You both shared in the pain and the trauma in which the trust was broken. Don’t keep it withdrawn and hidden, but discuss your feelings.
- Listen to each other. Nevertheless, not only with your ears, but with your soul. Each time you put your soul into a situation, instead of worrying about your relationship… you will find that your heart and everything else will align and heal.
- Honesty. No matter how trivial be honest. Granted, we do try and protect our spouses from pain, but ultimately it backfires on us, and we will find ourselves in a difficult situation. Remember, half truths are the same as lies. Guilty by omission does count as a lie in most people’s eyes.
- Take responsibility for your actions. Don’t deny that you are ‘ignorant’ of what you did. Don’t even think to deny it. Be sincere when you apologize and again, learn from your mistakes.
- Seek counseling or ultimately search on how to correct the underlying element that motivated the broken trust.
- Respect your spouse. They are human, with feelings. If the respect is there, then there is honesty and that starts the foundation in which you can continue to build and rebuild your relationship.
Remember, this didn’t happen overnight. Therefore, it can’t be fixed easily. Time takes patience. It’s okay to remember what happened but with time, pain, sorrow, and betrayal will fade and eventually go away. One last point, be aware of yourself, your feelings and one another. If you do want the relationship to remain intact, it’s crucial to keep hope alive and work diligently toward a common goal.
I struggled with writing this blog, but after thinking long and hard… decided to write it any ways. My fan, which shall remain nameless, told me her story and asked me to write about her plight, so everyone could understand how affairs do happen.
She was in a long term marriage with a man she loved, but the sex just wasn’t good anymore and was few and far between. She had a high sex drive and practiced self-love. One day she met a man, and they had lunch together. He was younger than her, but she was very attractive and always had a way with men. They saw each other for six months before anything happened sexually. He suggested it and she always remembered her marriage vows and rejected him. He was wealthy, gorgeous and began falling in love with her. He had lost his wife to cancer five years prior to their meeting. He found a place in her heart, and they started a tumultuous affair. It was exciting and fantastically fulfilling sexually for both at first, but it didn’t last long. Reality set in and he became jealous of her husband and her time away from him. She felt conflicted and exceedingly guilt ridden. He pressured her to make a choice between him and her husband. He wanted a life with her, and she wanted an affair. In her mind, there was never any intention of her leaving her husband, but she began to fall in love with him. It was an awful triangle filled with deceit and anger. She went away with him for a couple of days and had a wonderful time. He wanted her to do it every week if possible. Their sex life was wonderful; they fulfilled each other needs and were exceptionally compatible in bed.
Sex is a beautiful thing, and it’s also like an addictive drug. They became careless and he wanted her daily. She became his drug of choice and when he saw her sometimes there were no words exchanged just stares, kisses and rough sex. They were crossing the line into another world. He became obsessed with her.
One day he sent her a text in the morning and told her she had to make a choice. She wrote him “goodbye.” He called her and they argued. She started to cry and told him he was ruining her life.
“But… I love you,” he would say.
And she would tell him it was not enough.
The stalking began and she had to get a third party involved. Affairs rarely turn out well. They’re deceitful and dangerous, because they were both playing with the other’s heart. She just called me a few weeks ago to tell me it was completely over, but she does miss him, and she did love him. Legally, he can’t call her, and its better they go their separate ways. She’s trying to build a sexual relationship with her husband and started talking to him about it. I suggested they go to a sex therapist.
Their story is all too common in today’s world. The pressure on husbands to make a living in this economy is really taking a toll on marriages. It’s very important for couples to keep the doors of communication open. People learn by their mistakes, and I’m sure she learned a valuable lesson. So, when you think an affair is tempting, think again. It just might ruin your marriage and your life!