Advice to Men
Have you been searching for love the conventional way, scouring the coffee houses and bars in the hopes of discovering your soul mate? Alternatively, have taken the plunge into the world of on-line dating, wallowing through prospective admirers. Here are some rules and suggestions to follow, termed “netiquette”, as you venture into the exciting world of online dating. :
1. Your profile is the most important feature of Internet dating. It needs to be clever and innovative. If your profile is not great, then you could be losing out on many potential dates. Furthermore, you could be losing out on meeting that special person that we all long for. It’s worth looking at other profiles to get a feel for what they say but don’t feel that you need to emulate them, for you are after all, unique, and you want to come across that way. Make sure that your profile stands out by writing the things that the others don’t have. This way, you can give others a real insight into your personality. Don’t lie or embellish your profile, as you’ll soon get trapped by your words.
2. Keep your emotional baggage at bay when it comes to writing a profile that works and when messaging potential dates. Everyone has problems. It’s impossible not to have something left over from a previous relationship – lack of confidence, financial concerns, a broken heart. Avoid putting your miseries on display for the whole world to see and to discuss. Keep your troubles hidden until you meet someone with whom you feel comfortable enough to share your feelings.
3. When you post a photo online, please remember that it’s supposed to represent you, so however tempting it is to post a photo of Jennifer Lopez or Brad Pitt, your date does need to know what you look like. Otherwise they are never going to find you when you meet.
4. True love needs interaction, and it’s also far from being skin deep. Respond when you get a message even if you don’t really desire the other person. There is no point in being impudent or cold. This person has real feelings. It’s fine to say, “no thanks” if you honestly feel that you are not suited on any level. At the opposite end of the scale, don’t play hard to get. If you like someone and they like you, be yourself, have fun, enjoy the interaction and don’t play games.
5. One of the almost guaranteed topics that will crop up repeatedly is the subject of sex. This might not come as much of a shock. Remember that you can interact with a fun chat if that’s what you want but make sure it’s reciprocated. Attempting to solicit sex, virtual or otherwise, too quickly may frighten off an otherwise potential mate.
6. When writing to your future date, there is no need to write essays. Capitalize on brevity and make the most of a short message by making every word count. Save the life story as a topic of interest for when you first meet.
7. An important safety tip is to remember that until you meet in a safe place, you are relying upon the word of the individual to reflect whom they truly are. Don’t think that everyone out there in Internet land is a wonderful enchanted being who is going to come and mesmerize you with their charm and whisk you off to fantasy land. Beware of those who promise you Xanadu. Fantasy is a wonderful, erotic tool, but until you are comfortable and have met your mate keep a foot planted firmly on the ground of the real world. On-line Internet dating offers a lot of potential but there is no magic wand. Be cautious not to give out too much information before establishing a bond.
Relationships are hard work, and you’ll have to take the good with the bad, but if you follow these commandments, you’ll enjoy the whole dating experience. In my next blog, you will experience the perspective of my friend Alice, who is familiar with on-line dating. Her stories are hilarious so stay tuned.
At this time, in the United States sex is whispered about, snickered about by teens, and considered “dirty” in most places. In the U.S., seeing a woman’s breast on TV is said to be filth. R-Rated movies, is something children should never be allowed to see. In Europe and Australia, there is a more grown-up approach. They are not “shocked” or “appalled.” In fact, the majority of adults probably wouldn’t even notice. The most humorous comedy skits and engaging advertising on European Television would be considered embarrassing, far too suggestive, and absolutely inappropriate for general audiences in America. Sex is a healthy and natural act overseas. Sexuality is open, explored and enjoyed. It’s not a dirty deed to be saved for the marriage bed, a filthy F-word, or something to sneak around and do only to be ashamed of later. Americans protect their friends, children, and co-workers from having an illicit sexual encounter. Europeans are open, relaxed about it and even relish the thought. Furthermore, can you in America talk to a neighbor about sex? Europeans can discuss it as easily as discussing the weather or brushing their teeth. Sex is an act that everybody does. Nobody is disgusted by, and is a healthy behavior. When Janet Jackson’s boob fell out of her dress on National Television, Americans talked about it for weeks. Europeans went on about their daily lives unaffected. It happens, what’s the big deal? Until Americans grow up and accept sex as a natural, wonderful, sharing act…as long as they forbid it, whisper about it like a bunch of teenagers, and find the whole topic “unmentionable” Europeans will always be far ahead of the Americans in maturity and sexual satisfaction.
One of the major components in relationships today is trust. With the Internet and online dating services contributing to the matchmaking of today’s busy individuals, how do we know that the person we meet is trustworthy? We don’t.
Trust is earned over time and not just granted because they claim to be who they are. Trust is ultimately the basis in which all relationships are built, and if it’s ever broken, then that relationship can be torn to shreds and can never be revived.
At some point, I do believe all of us can see how this is the case. Having the trust broken by even a friend makes you question everything that friend does from that point forward. How can trust ultimately be reclaimed? Even if it’s something small, that nagging little voice in the back of your head will continue to send you those negative messages. Furthermore, you will find yourself defensive and overly suspicious leading to the end of the relationship and/or marriage.
Here are a few ways that might help overcome that downward spiral:
- Forgive or be forgiven. It’s no longer an option to use a prior indiscretion and throw it into a future quarrel.
- Find ways to move beyond the past. This can do nothing but add fuel to the fire. Always give love, but don’t obsess over it.
- In the event, you are the one who’s wrong, try to change. Learn from your mistakes and prove to your spouse or significant other that there aren’t any more secrets, lies or other equally devastating problems.
- Set goals for your relationship. This means talk about your future and set the same goals making sure you both adhere to them.
- Renew your vows and commitments. Occasionally, we all forget what those vows meant to us, so repeating them in front of witnesses can sometimes make them more important in our minds.
- Try to communicate. You both shared in the pain and the trauma in which the trust was broken. Don’t keep it withdrawn and hidden, but discuss your feelings.
- Listen to each other. Nevertheless, not only with your ears, but with your soul. Each time you put your soul into a situation, instead of worrying about your relationship… you will find that your heart and everything else will align and heal.
- Honesty. No matter how trivial be honest. Granted, we do try and protect our spouses from pain, but ultimately it backfires on us, and we will find ourselves in a difficult situation. Remember, half truths are the same as lies. Guilty by omission does count as a lie in most people’s eyes.
- Take responsibility for your actions. Don’t deny that you are ‘ignorant’ of what you did. Don’t even think to deny it. Be sincere when you apologize and again, learn from your mistakes.
- Seek counseling or ultimately search on how to correct the underlying element that motivated the broken trust.
- Respect your spouse. They are human, with feelings. If the respect is there, then there is honesty and that starts the foundation in which you can continue to build and rebuild your relationship.
Remember, this didn’t happen overnight. Therefore, it can’t be fixed easily. Time takes patience. It’s okay to remember what happened but with time, pain, sorrow, and betrayal will fade and eventually go away. One last point, be aware of yourself, your feelings and one another. If you do want the relationship to remain intact, it’s crucial to keep hope alive and work diligently toward a common goal.
I struggled with writing this blog, but after thinking long and hard… decided to write it any ways. My fan, which shall remain nameless, told me her story and asked me to write about her plight, so everyone could understand how affairs do happen.
She was in a long term marriage with a man she loved, but the sex just wasn’t good anymore and was few and far between. She had a high sex drive and practiced self-love. One day she met a man, and they had lunch together. He was younger than her, but she was very attractive and always had a way with men. They saw each other for six months before anything happened sexually. He suggested it and she always remembered her marriage vows and rejected him. He was wealthy, gorgeous and began falling in love with her. He had lost his wife to cancer five years prior to their meeting. He found a place in her heart, and they started a tumultuous affair. It was exciting and fantastically fulfilling sexually for both at first, but it didn’t last long. Reality set in and he became jealous of her husband and her time away from him. She felt conflicted and exceedingly guilt ridden. He pressured her to make a choice between him and her husband. He wanted a life with her, and she wanted an affair. In her mind, there was never any intention of her leaving her husband, but she began to fall in love with him. It was an awful triangle filled with deceit and anger. She went away with him for a couple of days and had a wonderful time. He wanted her to do it every week if possible. Their sex life was wonderful; they fulfilled each other needs and were exceptionally compatible in bed.
Sex is a beautiful thing, and it’s also like an addictive drug. They became careless and he wanted her daily. She became his drug of choice and when he saw her sometimes there were no words exchanged just stares, kisses and rough sex. They were crossing the line into another world. He became obsessed with her.
One day he sent her a text in the morning and told her she had to make a choice. She wrote him “goodbye.” He called her and they argued. She started to cry and told him he was ruining her life.
“But… I love you,” he would say.
And she would tell him it was not enough.
The stalking began and she had to get a third party involved. Affairs rarely turn out well. They’re deceitful and dangerous, because they were both playing with the other’s heart. She just called me a few weeks ago to tell me it was completely over, but she does miss him, and she did love him. Legally, he can’t call her, and its better they go their separate ways. She’s trying to build a sexual relationship with her husband and started talking to him about it. I suggested they go to a sex therapist.
Their story is all too common in today’s world. The pressure on husbands to make a living in this economy is really taking a toll on marriages. It’s very important for couples to keep the doors of communication open. People learn by their mistakes, and I’m sure she learned a valuable lesson. So, when you think an affair is tempting, think again. It just might ruin your marriage and your life!